Neo-Tanuki ([info]neo_tanuki) wrote,
@ 2009-11-01 21:10:00
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Current mood: amused

Dum dum dummmm....we watched Twilight
So, on Halloween, Minette and I stayed in and watched "Twilight." Yes, the "Twilight" of the Six Gazillion Teenage Female Fans. And what did we think. Hmm...here's a few impressions.

1) Minette does NOT think Robert Pattinson is hunky at all. Her reaction was "What was all the fuss about?" The fact he spends most of the first half of the movie looking like he's going to vomit on Bella doesn't add to his allure.

2) The first half is, well, awful. Incredibly awful dialogue. There was absolutely nothing that convinced me that Edward and Bella were attracted to each other in any believable way in Part 1. He sounds like a dysfunctional stalker with a tendency to throw up. Minette kept hitting me and telling me to stop laughing. I couldn't. How could I when Edward flees science class looking like he's going to vomit and Bella sniffs herself to see if she stinks?

3) Now here's the weird thing...the second half is actually a pretty watchable teen vampire-esque flick. The "vegetarian" vampire family are oddly endearing (I like the bit when they try cooking while watching Food Network, cause they have no idea how.) The baseball game is also amusing. Aside from the parents looking a year younger than the kids, they were actually kind of OK, in a 90210 glam kind of way. The bad vampires were fairly entertaining too.

4) Other odd thing...in the second half, once they are actually dating Edward and Bella are entertaining to watch as a couple. It's getting to the "together" point that is just unwatchable.

5) I like the Native American werewolves. They're OK. Much more likeable than Edward, too.

6) Actually, most of the secondary characters are kind of fun and likeable. I like Bella's Dad and her non-vampy friends at the high school. Actually, I could see her going out with, well, just about any boy in the movie except Edward. I also liked how her Dad kept slipping her cans of pepper spray before she went out on dates.

7) Oddly enough, I don't think Robert Pattinson or Kirstin Stewart are to blame for my criticism either. They are perfectly fine in the second half of the movie (I keep repeating this, huh?) To me, the biggest problem is the setup is so awful in the first half. I wonder if that's the director's call? Watching Edward and Bella get together is like the bad scenes with Anakin and Padme in "Star Wars." Only more so. With no lightsaber battles. Or Ian McDiarmid as Darth Sidious.

8) Oh, and I am always a bit irked when vampire mythology is changed just so your main characters can conveniently spend time together. Vampires don't ignite in direct sunlight, they "sparkle." More guffaws.

9) But...the vampiric power stuff is pretty well done actually. The leaping, scrambling up trees, super strength etc. is done pretty well, and looks cool.

10) Washington state looks really nice, too. I wonder if I'd like living there?

Overall? Eh, a B-/B or so. C- for the first half, B/B+ for the second half.

You know what's funny? I'm much more interested to see the sequel. More of the Native American werewolves (who were more interesting anyway) and I hear Dakota Fanning as a vampire. I'd be willing to check it out when the teen hordes lose interest. Say, in a decade or two? :P

Oh, and here's my Tanuki interpretation of every Edward/Bella scene in the first half:

BELLA: Hi, I'm Bella. You are strangely moody and attractive.

Edward: AH! Get AWAY! I think I shall BARF! (runs away)

BELLA: (Chases him) What's wrong? Am I so repugnant to you? 'Cause you really wind my watch, if you take my meaning.

Edward: N-no! That's just it! You are too...DELECTABLE! You smell like pot roast! I love pot roast! Get away, before I make you my pot roast!

BELLA: I trust you. You won't make me pot roast. Now get over here and kiss me so we can risk terrible danger for our love. Your struggle with with the dark abyss of pot roast cravings really turns me on. Never leave me! Turn me into a vampire, you pot-roast loving British hunk of man!

Edward: I...can't....stay...away...POT ROAST!!!!!
(Smooching noises)

SIX MILLION TEENAGE GIRLS: SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Minette: (watching) I don't get it. (Hits Tanuki) Stop laughing.

Me: BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Pot Roast! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


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[info]stride
2009-11-02 05:31 pm UTC (link)
And thus you know why it is so vital that we finish writing Emo Chubracabra (TM)!!!

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[info]neo_tanuki
2009-11-02 06:07 pm UTC (link)
Robert Pattinson IS the Emo British Chupacabra! POT ROOOOAAASSST! :)

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[info]tmixtli
2009-11-02 05:43 pm UTC (link)
We'll just have to disagree on the effects. Ever since "Crouching Tiger," all directors have seen wire work as the solution to all their problems, and there is actually a skill to directing wires as well as a special skill to editing them. Edward climbs a tall tree without shifting his weight at any point, looking like ... he's being dragged up by a wire. I think the two best film examples of high jumping are in "The First Power" and "Hancock." When Jeff Kober drops three stories, he bends his knees as he lands, and walks away. Because the actor actually jumps about six feet, the scene is very convincing. Likewise, Will Smith looks believable because he actually falls.
If Robert Pattinson had practiced tree climbing ahead of time, or if Catherine Hardwicke had any idea what tree climbing looks like, the scene would not stretch the belief suspenders so much. I fully believe that with the same resources, I would have directed more integrated, less jarring scenes.
"This is the skin of a monster!" Even with the ridiculous visuals, the effect was still too subtle, and we needed a tinkly sound and a line about how "It's like diamonds."
I have no problem with a teenage vampire story being very popular with teenagers. I can cope with the terrible message that Bella Swan's completely submissive behavior sends to teenage girls; involved parenting can mitigate that problem. The hordes of thirty-somethings gobbling up this garbage - that's what gets under my farmer's tan. They should know better, really. It's not like the last thirty years have been short on young vampires with tortured souls! Check out "Dark Shadows," or the Frank Langella "Dracula" movie. Tanith Lee, P.N. Elrod, Poppy Z. Brite, they've all written interesting, mature fiction about reluctant monsters. Ann Rice is more of a trend-setter than a good example, but again, Lestat has been around for thirty years! Surely you can find grown-up fiction to your liking.

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[info]neo_tanuki
2009-11-02 06:05 pm UTC (link)
I can see your point of view on the special effects; for me, they seemed to fit in well with the overall campy tone of the movie. :)

I don't know the movie "The First Power" though; what is that about?

Thirtsomethings? Really? (Well, WE were watching it...but just out of curiousity, honest!) Just based on Comicon observations, I thought the teen female audience had a hammerlock on "Twilight." But I remember thinking that if I had seen "Twilight" when I was in my teens/early 20's, I might have mined it for a White Wolf RPG campaign. (Actually my Vampire RPG games in my early 20s were all John Woo films. Being a Vampire was an excuse to practice Gun-Fu. I should probably have just run Feng Shui.) :P

Though of the various Vampire novels/films I've encountered, if I was going to put in a vote for my personal favorite, it would be "Let The Right One In" which is both touching AND hellascary. (Though I strongly recommend the movie over the book because the book includes Too Much Information and the disgusting factor is amplified by Six Gazillion. The film leaves more to the imagination, which is better.)

Scariest novel I've read, though, would probably be "Salem's Lot" by Stephen King, which I read in high school and scared the heck out of me.

Most fun would be "Anno Dracula" for the literary in-jokes throughout.

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[info]tmixtli
2009-11-02 09:03 pm UTC (link)
In "The First Power," Jeff Kober plays a satanist who is convicted of multiple murders, thanks to Detective Lou Diamond Phillips, and is executed by gas chamber early in the film. Satan has given him the power of resurrection, though, and now the Pentagram Killer is bent on avenging his own death. I remember being impressed by it in 1990, but I don't remember how it ended. All the ads featured that three-story jump, though, so it stuck with me when I saw it in action.

As for the demographics, I saw "Twilight" in the theater on opening night, and there were rather more moms than daughters. Our group included most of April's co-workers, and none of them has a child in the target age. If I may anticipate your question, I went because I enjoy the ritual of waiting in line with fans - April and her co-workers were just so excited, I was happy to share in the atmosphere. Honestly, I haven't seen such a fun line since Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows hit the shelves. During the movie, I laughed out loud more than once, and got a poke in the ribs each time.

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[info]ladysashi
2009-11-02 07:57 pm UTC (link)
I agree with you! Twilight was a lame movie, and an even lamer book series, IMHO. Taking your points one by one:

1. Your wife has very good taste. Pattison is uggggggly!
2. My biggest b!tch with this series was this problem. You're absolutely right - the dialogue was dripping cheese, there was no solid character development.
3. The only interesting this about this series is the family. They have interesting backgrounds that unfold in the books, and some of what you learn about them is actually shocking.
4. They're an enigmatic couple, but not in my all-time favorites.
5. The wolf clan is actually pertinent to the story as a secondary by-line to the main plot (i.e. the Italian vampires... you learn about them more in the 2nd installment).
6. I didn't like how they understated the relationship between Bella and her father in the movie. Charlie's "re-emergence" as the dominant parent in her life is a very important part of her growth as a human being.
7. Agree, agree, agree! All I kept thinking while watching the movie was Padme and Anakin, too. Things were too rushed between them to be believable.
8. The sparkle thing was a direct rip off of other, lesser known vampire series I've read. The intentional/unintentional (whichever) plagiarism bothered me more than the myth change.
9. Special effects were okay, but there were two scenes in particular where I could see wires and CGI. That threw me out of the movie.
10. Washington is beautiful. The only problem is that most of the state rains a lot - like 7 months out of the year, I'm told. And in winter, it's bloody cold. If you can handle that, then you're good.


Pot roast... *giggles*

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